At this point in time, my mind is a complete blank. I couldn't find the words to argue my stand, partly also because I'm so use to just resolving it in my heart I've lost the strength to argue and thrash things out. I feel cornered in my thoughts and weak in my heart. I feel dry, drained and unable to face tomorrow and its new set of challenges. Perhaps it might really work to just let me be for the moment.
Christmas is a time of love and sharing. Sheep really played a big part in this. Without him, I would not have been so motivated to do so many things. I appreciate that. He is such a good vessel to be a blessing in people's lives. However, I did not do my part this year. I chose to stay away...to shut myself away. Why? I have been told so many times that its my fault that I'm starting to think its really my fault.
I suddenly feel lost and afraid. I'm afraid of the future. I'm afraid of having to go through relationship traumas. Since when have I become such a coward. Part of me says that I'm wasting time sitting here crying and typing rubbish when I could put the time to better use. Already I have so little time for myself. Another part of me just wants to just lie down and die. Just give way to all the sadness and weariness and allow myself to crumble away. How convenient..
It's Christmas night. I got a new Anna Sui wallet exclusively from Taiwan.. I had a great eve celebration..I had lots of good food and drinks...I recieved some nice gifts from friends... I should be happy right? I'm lonely. I feel empty.
Take me by the hand, take me somewhere new. I don't know who you are...but I...I'm with you.
sakura blossom falls at: 12:16 AM
Frustration
Frustration is an emotional response to circumstances where one is obstructed from arriving at a personal goal.[1] The more important the goal, the greater the frustration. It is comparable to anger and disappointment. Sources of frustration may be internal or external. Internal sources of frustration involve personal deficiencies such as a lack of confidence or fear of social situations that prevent one from reaching a goal. Conflict can also be an internal source of frustration when one has competing goals that interfere with one another. External causes of frustration involve conditions outside the person such as a blocked road; or conditions linked to the person's actions but not directly such as lack of money, or lack of sexual activity. In psychology, passive-aggressive behavior is a method of dealing with frustration. According to N.E. Miller "frustration produces instigation to a number of different types of response, one of which is an instigation to some form of aggression." [2]
The only word that acurately describes my feelings now. Past week has been great. All I can say is that the fasting was toturing but the results were exceedingly rewarding. The X'mas party on the 19th Dec was quite successful. Thank you Jesus. My testimonial was last min, in prompt to and all messed up but his ways are not my ways... haha...so I won't try to predict or judge what he is doing. All I know is that his intentions are always good. My weekends were awfully short and tiring. Spent my nights doing x'mas shopping with Sheep. Not a pleasant experience. Last min shopping is never a good thing due to the high stress level. Fell sick on Sunday and basically my whole weekend was quite ruined. I couldn't attend the big doggie gathering coz of the last min shopping too. So Disappointing! We had gift exchange with some friends. It was ok, not too bad. Just that I had too much caffine due to the fact that I was trying to stay awake throughout supper and I couldn't sleep when I got home. So here I am, tired, cranky from the draining weekend, feeling sore from the flu and extremely frustrated by a thousand and one things.
Just had to blog...I don't have a proper outlet so if I continue to bottle things up I would really just explode and die.
Christmas is just 2 days away... Then comes newyear... Winter is always the darkest time of the year, the darkest time of our lives as we evaluate our lives for the year. How have we lived life? I've been married for almost 4 months now. How do I feel? Too caught up in the processes of being married to experience the true bliss of marriage. I've quit smoking for about 5 months now... I will never go back to it, it stinks. I got baptised, that's about the best thing I ever did this year. My teeth are in braces now..another 2 years to go. Sometimes I feel like my whole life is braces. As God is trying to straighten me up, the pain of moving out of my comfort zone can be very uncomfortable. I feel restricted in certain areas and it's harder to live life by the books but at the end of the day, just like the million dollar smile you're gonna get..it's worth it. I hope.. My hair is purple on one side, I am still trying to lose weight. I tendered my resignation. Wow... 2008...I can't wait for u to end.
I watched the movie "Twilight" on Mildred's B'dae. Meet Edward Cullen, the Gorgeous Vampire. It's not a fantastic storyline with the best cast of actors but I was completely swept off my feet by the romantic setting and the charming Robert Pattinson which I thought was not even cute to begin with. How deprived... To make matters more interesting, I bought 3 out of 4 of the "twilight" saga on Sun. 3 is because "Eclispe" was out of stock...and yes, I have made a reservation. When you can live for eternity, what would you live for? Recently, I just concluded that the myth or belief passed down from mothers that you should always marry someone who loves you more than you love him is false. I have learnt that giving and taking in a relationship is unseparable. If you can't give, neither can you take. Sad right... So all you women out there... GEt a life! What is it really like to fall hopelessly and deeply in love with a person? How does it feel to want a person so much? Does such a relationship even exist? I know it does with God but man? I can't remember.... This movie really started a churn in my emotions and called forth the deepest lust in my soul for love, attraction and excitement. Were these all I have been missing out on? Underneathe the busy schedule, the tired mind and worn out body, a part of my soul has a burning desire.. A longing that no man can comprehend, that no one can satisfy. When everything feels like the movies, yea you'll bleed just to know you're alive. So if that is the movies, then why does my life seem so unreal...
sakura blossom falls at: 3:16 PM
It's only Tues..
Yesterday was awesome. First day of my attempt to fast for x'mas. I even managed to teach class. But of course I took alot milk and milo. I even had baby cereal when I got home. But it was awesome. Today I took some oats. Tmrw would be better. I gotta try harder. I've gotta last till Fri. I believe in the power of fasting!
I'm bursting out of my fishbowl. It's killing me. I keep getting distracted by other stuff, especially facebook. Ooooh...Guess who I added? Felix Cane! My pole Queen! Aghhhhhhhhh! To me, she is like your BritneySpears or Madonna..whatever... She is almost non human. If not for the stripper part, she would be close to perfection. But nobody's perfect. That's y Jesus came. *Bleh*
I miss my friends. I miss going out with them. I just wanna drop my bags, fit into some nice clothes and go out. Clothes..which set me thinking. Besides the good money, why would people want to strip as a profession? I have a feeling some people do it for passion...Then they should just live in Africa.
I have so many thoughts and emotions running through my head. So many feelings that I'm feeling at the same time. Mixed feelings. Excited, worried, angry, pissed, contented, bored, indifferent... Im gonna explode.
What am I feeling? Absolutely meaningless.
sakura blossom falls at: 4:22 PM
Kite Flying Tutorial
Step 1: Take it out from the bag.
Step 2: Look for the stick. It's very important.
Step 3: Tie the string to the stick.
Check that everything is intact!
Ready to go!
Let me try it!
Wah...Like dancing...
That's clowny the kite!
Woo hoo!
It died.
The End!
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=72493&id=773112003&saved
Make Me Famous and Emerge! 12.12.08
By God's grace I managed to pull through the performance. The rest of the EDC crew rocked the crowd. Keep shining guys! From here, I learnt that attitude is very important. Nothing beats a pure heart who is always willing to love and give.
sakura blossom falls at: 4:51 PM
It's Thurs. Time passes So fast..I'm 24, the recital's over and my period is finally here after being late for more than a week. Tmrw would be the Make Me Famous performance. The last performance for the year. I would like to do the Emerge routine. Next time then, no rush. If I'm still alive tmrw, all would be good. I feel a little daring, performing a new routine with just 2 nights of rehearsals.
My bestie told me that she was gonna fulfill my top 3 b'dae wishes. Isn't she a Darl? I LOVE her so much. Told her not to but she insists. Stubborn girl. I shall get her something nice for X'mas too. I haven't gotten her anything nice lately. Have been so broke. Kim from Bobbi's Studio told me that the DVDs are Incredible. I believe her. Because Felix is Incredible.
Today I cried and cried and cried at work. Work sucks. I'm having a writer's block. I feel wasted and frustrated. Maybe it's PMS. one more min and I can eat... Sheep has been really understanding and supportive. He's still making hell alot of noise about my dancing. It's very funny because dancing is my life. I can't tell him that, he'll never understand. But when it comes to work, he's very supportive. My relationship with him..How should I put it? I love him very much but we have different expectations. How do I divide my thoughts? I don't know. I only know how to miss him. I need him when I miss him and I miss him when I need him. He is my other half. So its not just a love, its a need. I have so many thoughts in my head. Thoughts of murder, thoughts of food, of God, of friends, of Mummy, of Felix, of dance, of money, of so many things. I'm not a planner. I'm a do-er. My thoughts are mostly of now. But it doesn't mean I dun think of the future. I do, but not like him. I want our own house too. That's why we're saving. I always think of our studio. It's the most exciting part of all. He said we're going Kiting on Sat then we can go to the Arcade. Im looking forward to it.
Today I wanted to scream until my head bursts into little pieces and hoped that the soundwaves will slice the people around me into halves. As my mind drifts from thought to thought, visions of starting my spinning pole class haunts me. Will it really happen? Is it gonna be Me? Im depending on you God. Only you can save me now.
sakura blossom falls at: 5:48 PM
That's Audrey's Finger.
Sally had a beautiful wedding on the 6th Dec. She was super gorgeous and her hubby seems like he would buy her the moon if she insists on it... Their wedding pics were taken in Hokaido and they even had a pic taken in a sunflower field. (Like how I always imagined it to be.) They are very blessed. I always feel that a church wedding is a real wedding. Anything less is just LESS.
The food was pretty good. This is at the Red Dot Museum, Boulavard Pub.
I got hooked on the papadum crackers with all sorts of funky sauce. Then Denjz, Audrey and Sophie got influenced and we all started to act like gluttons.
The cutest picture ever taken of Sheep.
This is Sheep before he over drank the sucky wine and got sick.
The lovely couple surrounded by vixens.
Check out my Facebook pics. It's all there.
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=1620594&op=1&o=all&view=all&subj=41079899032&aid=-1&oid=41079899032&id=773112003#/album.php?aid=71649&id=773112003
My B'dae surprise from the Loud Crew. They are the best crew ever..
These sunflowers are from sheep. He never fails to bring flowers. :)
Ming bought a tiny strawberry short cake on the 9th Dec that was super yummy! Surprise! She's so nice. Big hugs to Ming.
Quite last min so didn't take many pics. Kelly took them for me. Ming even bought me a gift that I have yet to see coz I left it at the studio. So exciting! I love presents!
This 3 hot chicks here. Ok..maybe not so hot. But very KAWAII girls bought me a nike bag that I've been carrying everyday now. I love it! They really surprised me, cos they sort of have their own clique and Im always the odd one out even though we hang and dance together. Didn't expect anything from them. I'm touched..by their generousity. :)
This is Joycelyn Chua. She shares the same B'dae with me. Cool! Yup, 8th Dec, Recital Day.
7th Dec 2008
The precious Mango Slice from Orchard Hotel. My darling siblings bought them for me on behalf of Denjz! As usual, Sheep is always the sweetest. He was awfully sick but he still tried to take me out. HuiJia, HuiYing and Annie surprised me with a Chocolate Oreo cheese slice after Scv on the 7th Dec. Then at nite, The whole connect group surprised me at dinner and we went to the S'pore Flyer. It was an experience but I'll never go up there again. Now I can remember why I always prefer roller coasters to the ferris wheel. We had Popeye chicken and biscuits for supper and Daryl's yucky orange choc cake from chocz. Pics are in my phone so need to wait awhile before I upload. I always believe pics speak a thousand words. So I'm just gonna upload the pics when I'm free.
sakura blossom falls at: 4:35 PM
I HATE CLASSICS
In the end, I couldn't bear for the kids to bring the cornbread to CG. It would 've been too cruel. So they have to settle their own refreshments tonight. Sitting here for the whole day is both good and bad. Good because I get to do my pole research and download all the vids I want. But bad because I'm not doing any work. I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE CLASSICS! IT SUCKS! And as the days goes by, I feel resentment even at the thought of teaching these choreos. I know that this might not be really how I feel but this is what I feel now.
sakura blossom falls at: 4:09 PM
Today is MC DAy
Today I spent the whole day talking to my mum, blogging and uploading pictures onto facebook... Pooh... I hate it. Not patient for stuff liddat. But at last I am using my com to do PERSONAL stuff. Not work... I have some wonderul news though. God is showing me some glimpses of the wonderful things that he's doing. Mum said that the Landlord lowered the rent to 1500bucks. Said she felt bad about having the agents intruding our privacy everyday coz she's selling the place. God's favour...All the fasting and pushing is working! Sheep got a new offer at Fishbowl! Of course they gave him a better offer, he's like Lion fish and I'm sucker fish. Darn...I'm a canary. But I am thankful. Ming also talked about how I can do more at Polates. Everything is not confirmed, but I'm excited at what God's doing.
I haven't stopped chewing ever since I opened my eyes and the amount of food stuck in the brackets now could easily make up 2 table spoons of food. Overslept this morning, totally couldn't hear my alarm. Guess my body played me out this time. I've been abusing it. My whole body is aching especially my shoulders. Too much pole. So I used that as an excuse to get my MC and at the same time get medicine for my bloated tummy. The living room light has blown again. Darn... Which Man is gonna fix it? The men in my house are....
Anyway, today's highlight is not about Men or my boring lamenting. Today, YES! Today! I baked my very first CORNBREAD! WOO HOO! It looks really good, brown and golden. Spent half the day trying to fix it. Was thinking of making more for tmrw's cg meeting. My poor members.
Looks good right... Looks can be deceiving. Mwahahahahahahaha! It's really quite tasty except that there's a little problem in the centre of the crust. It's not cooked. For some reason, the core of the bread is still raw. Still, I shall persevere and make one more.. So that's how I'm gonna spend the next one third of my short day. Bake and watch anime-Naruto and Bleach! Finally....
For those who are into baking, you can try this recipie out. It's really good. http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Buttery-Corn-Bread/Detail.aspx
Feel so tired. But I refuse to sleep. Feel like time is just slipping by each day. What is it that I wanted to do? What was it that I wanna say? I can't remember... Did you say something? Did I hear my name? Hey I missed you. Are you ok? Why do I feel so weak? You seem so far away. Did I miss something? What did I miss? I don't know... I can't remember...
sakura blossom falls at: 6:20 PM
Sheep and Cat
So loving before the summon...
Daniel and Kelly!
Kelly and Sheree doing the opening show.
Joanna the Baby Girl
The Hot Babes
The Birthday Girl and The Expensive cake
The Pole Diva
They say pictures tell a thousand words. So here's all the pics of the birthday bash! I had a long talk with Ming last night. It was great, she's really a nice person. I'm so glad that we have cleared our misunderstandings. Here I wanna wish Ming a very Happy Birthday. May you prosper in all things! :PLabels: Birthday Party
sakura blossom falls at: 4:17 PM
