At this point in time, my mind is a complete blank. I couldn't find the words to argue my stand, partly also because I'm so use to just resolving it in my heart I've lost the strength to argue and thrash things out. I feel cornered in my thoughts and weak in my heart. I feel dry, drained and unable to face tomorrow and its new set of challenges. Perhaps it might really work to just let me be for the moment.
Christmas is a time of love and sharing. Sheep really played a big part in this. Without him, I would not have been so motivated to do so many things. I appreciate that. He is such a good vessel to be a blessing in people's lives. However, I did not do my part this year. I chose to stay away...to shut myself away. Why? I have been told so many times that its my fault that I'm starting to think its really my fault.
I suddenly feel lost and afraid. I'm afraid of the future. I'm afraid of having to go through relationship traumas. Since when have I become such a coward. Part of me says that I'm wasting time sitting here crying and typing rubbish when I could put the time to better use. Already I have so little time for myself. Another part of me just wants to just lie down and die. Just give way to all the sadness and weariness and allow myself to crumble away. How convenient..
It's Christmas night. I got a new Anna Sui wallet exclusively from Taiwan.. I had a great eve celebration..I had lots of good food and drinks...I recieved some nice gifts from friends... I should be happy right? I'm lonely. I feel empty.
Take me by the hand, take me somewhere new. I don't know who you are...but I...I'm with you.
sakura blossom falls at: 12:16 AM
