I am weird. I don't want to have kids. I am always thinking like my married friends (some) are so fortunate to be with the person they love most. Like why have such thoughts? I have weird thoughts and ideas that are totally insane. I don't even feel like Im connected at times. But I do have moments that I actually feel like Im human. Times when Im out, talking to friends, mingling, teaching, laughing, being normal.
I was again brought back to my core on Fri after Cg. Reminded about the burning passion and dreams are not for my own benefits because No flesh can ever have glory. (1cor:29)How I have to learn again and again about humility to serve, the courage to be different and to have loyalty in my Dna. Spirit and flesh constantly at war with each other. I can see the bigger picture now. I have a better understanding and acceptance of my situation.
1. There are other things that God wants to do first. He is sovereign.
2. He is giving me time to get myself ready for responsibility. To take pressure, to be firm and rooted even when UNDER pressure. Strong enough not to conform but yet
humble enough to lower my pride to serve.
3. He is waiting for me to show more passion for the little things that he has already given to me. My job, my stable income, my free time, creativity, breakthroughs, my house...Am I not better off than before, blessed in many areas?
4. He is waiting for me to deal with the sin in my life. If I am not pure in my heart, how can I be entrusted with greater things. My thoughts have to be right, positive, consistent.
I am ashamed of my awful thoughts of why can't I have this or that... Do not covert what is not yours, was what He said to me when I was seated on the floor watching the performances. Promotions and breakthroughs are given by Him, so here's no need to blame anyone. I just need to do my part. And so what if I have what I want now, if He is not coming with me then I don't want any of these. If it is not in his will then it too shall not be mine. How silly I was to have harboured selfish thoughts. sometimes I really think that I am but a fool.
I am thankful for what I have and don't have because I know that I am not wise, mighty and noble. But I know that the time will come when I have to rise up and I need to be ready. So now is the time of preparation.
I have had a rough week. Waking up before 7am almost everyday and turning in after 1am every night. It was crazy, today I almost missed a class in the evening coz I overslept in the afternoon. This week is no different, if I hadn't pushed off 2 hrs tmrw morning it would be another round of torment of being lack of sleep! What am I doing now... I am indeed a fool...
sakura blossom falls at: 2:13 AM
